Runester

I just got home and received the message from the vet. When they opened her up, the cancer had eaten away at her shoulder muscle and the tumors ‘were everywhere.’ So, the vet put her to sleep on the operating table.

I’ve known this could happen from the first time I took her in and learned what kind of cancer she had. Then, when it came back … I knew this day was inevitable. Each time I hoped, maybe this time they’ll get it all and she’ll be ok.

The decision today was to, hopefully give her some more time … more weeks … more months. I still held out a little hope …

Anyway, enough about her death. Here’s something about her life.

When I first moved out of my parents house and moved into an apartment, I found the quiet disconcerting and the loneliness depressing. My whole life had been in a house with people and animals, noise and activity. So, I decided to adopt a cat and make my apartment a little more like ‘home’.

When I first went to the Humane Society, I fell in love with three little gray kittens … but there was a problem with my landlord and that day was a disappointment. By the time I resolved that and returned, the three kittens had been placed. I had to choose another … and by far, the gentlest, most affectionate was a mature female named “mama” with a luxurious white coat.
I adopted her and renamed her “Snow” but had to wait for her to get her vaccines and be spayed. When I brought her home she was sick from the anesthesia and spent days laying on my pillow recovering.

Ever since then, and right through to this morning when she crawled up into bed with me to welcome the new day and get a little attention - she has been a great companion, a great comfort, a lot of fun, and a joy in my life.

Snow, I will miss you. I hope you had a good life for a cat, and I pray I was worthy of your unconditional love and affection.

Good bye.

This morning I took snow to the vet. She hadn’t been in for about four weeks now. Her tumors have grown back, bigger then before, and in a new location, on her left side. Also, caused by the rampant tumor growth, fluid is filling the tissue just below her skin along her forward spine. It looks like a growth, but feeling it, demonstrates that it’s filled with fluid.

I’ve been watching her behavior as best I can. She does not seem to be in any serious discomfort, but I may not be able to tell. She still eats and drinks and uses her litter box. She still climbs the stairs at night to visit me in bed before I go to sleep - so I don’t think the tumors have damaged her internal organs.

The Vet looked her over and pretty much gave me three options. I could have her put to sleep today. Or, I could taker her home without further surgery … but he predicts that within a month her tumors will erupt through her skin and cause a septic mess. Or, I can admit her for yet another surgery. He strongly advised … if I didn’t want to put her down then I should agree to the surgery, letting her die at home with an erupting tumor and an infection would be miserable.

So, I admitted her for her fourth (4th) surgery. This time, he is going to remove the skin above the tumors as well as, as much tissue around them as possible. He also had me sign a waiver that allows them to put her to sleep should the tumors be inoperable (fixed to her bones) or if there is not enough skin to seal over the incision, or if the spread is found to be more malign and having infiltrated her abdomen.

I’ll get the update tomorrow.

This whole matter is upsetting. She’s been a good pet, a good companion, for me for years now. I understand that everything living must die … but having to make these kinds of decisions are excrutiating. Who am I to rob her of her last month of life … each day is precious  and what is a month to a cat? A year of experience, maybe? But, how can I let her suffer in her disease? And, there are practical considerations as well; each surgery costs me over $300, I’ve already spent over $1,000 and this one will cost me more still. I do not have endless financial resources, and the return is poor as each time the tumors come back as bad or worse then before.

The best I can hope for is that maybe, just maybe, he’ll be able to get all of the cancerous tissue this time and she can live the rest of her life in relative health for whatever time she has left. Or, that she is quietly put to sleep during the surgery and never has to wake up to another day in a body that has betrayed her.

Well, today was one humdinger of a day. First, I had to get up and ready for my weekend with Lisa. Then I had to go to work, install an Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) and reboot some servers, and test that everything was working. Then I had to find a jewelry store nearby - and I did, The Jewelry Exchange. Then I had to call my bank to get them to increase my credit limit. Then I went to the jewelry store and bought an engagement ring. Then I drove to Lisa’s where we had a late breakfast, and then went to Home Depot to buy 960 lbs of quickrete and eight (8) fence posts. We got everything back to her house just in time for me to drop off the materials, wash my hands, and then drive all the way back to the jewelry store.

The ring was ready and perfect! I picked it up, stopping to refuel my truck which I’d been driving back and forth across the state all day. Then I got back to Lisa’s. Since today was her birthday, she knew my sudden departure had to do with her birthday gift … and she may have suspected something, but she wasn’t sure. In her own words, “It was either a ring or a laptop!” I had already gotten us reservations for a very nice Italian restaurant in Dedham, MA named Isabella’s. So, I had to shower, shave, and dress - swapping my tee-shirt and quickrete covered jeans for a French Blue dress shirt and slacks. While getting dressed I slipped the ring into my pocket.

We arrive at the restaurant right at 6:00 PM, and it’s lovely. We get a quiet table over to the side and order appetizers. I keep wondering when I should propose … of all the research I did on this subject, this particular item seems to have been left out. I figured it would be good to bring the subject up … so I kept trying to have a serious conversation about marriage, marriages we knew about, and commitment. She kept interrupting with stories of how this restaurant used to be a little breakfast nook named “Mug and Muffin.” I must have looked a little yellow or something, she kept asking, “Are you all right? Is something the matter? You have an odd look on your face.”
Finally, sometime after the appetizer and before the main course came out, I said, “This is something I should have done five years ago … Will you marry me?” Lisa got all choked up and teary eyed but didn’t answer, so I pressed further, “Will you be my wife?” At which she croaked out a very quiet and emotional “yes.”

Then I added, “Well, here’s your consolation prize …” and reached into my pocket and pulled out the ring. It was still in it’s small black box. She took it and opened the box up and her eyes lit up.

“Oh, it’s just lovely!” she remarked.

And with that, I have become an engaged man. We finished our dinner, many women who were seated around us congratulated her and asked to see her ring. She was floating on cloud nine … I was mostly relieved that I had been able to get through the day and accomplish the most important part with at least a measure of acumen.

As soon as we got back to her place, she showed her mother the ring who was practically giddy with gladness. Marilyn embrassed me and declared, “My son!”

All in all, it’s been one hell of a day … with a wonderful, wonderful ending. And, a good beginning!

Well, for those that have been following the story, my senior female cate, Snow, has had her third surgery to remove malignant tumors. She is now home and healing up … again. She is very good about the whole process and even the vet’s noted how hardy she is for a cat her age that has already been through this much. Here’s to hoping she’ll be around for years to come.

Here’s some photo’s of her, she has two (2) new scars. These are horizontal instead of vertical like the last two surgeries and are on each side. The incision on her left side is about four inches, and the one on her right side is about two inches.

The cancerous lumps that I’ve reported in the past are back, and worse then ever. This cancer is unbelievably aggressive; there is measurable growth within a single week. Anyway, I dropped her off this morning and she is scheduled to have her third such surgery.

I had to ask the vet, whether it was worth it or not … and he had an interesting answer. As long as her energy levels are good and she isn’t in great discomfort then it is worth continuing because each time increases her lifespan by at least months and may even be ‘the time’ that enough tissue is removed to ensure no new tumors.

But, to be honest, I think this is it. It’s taking her longer and longer to heal after each surgery and the serguries and the aftermath cause a great deal of discomfort … more the tumors are currently causing. She’s already rail thin and over 13 years old … this is probably going to be the last one. Whether the tumors come back or not, this is the last time I’m putting her through this ordeal.

I haven’t written in a long time, and I have lot’s of news. Some of it, not so good.

First …

My gf’s uncle, Frank, went into the hospital for an Angioplasty. Instead, they found much more blockage then they expected and performed a quadruple bypass with heart valve replacement. He’s been in Intensive Care ever since. We went to see him on Sunday, and he looks very frail and week. After the bypass he had a stroke which affected the left side of his body. They can’t tell how much was affected by the stroke because he still has a breathing tube in his mouth and can’t talk. When they finally take the tube out (hopefully tomorrow, or sooner!) he will be much more comfortable and then they’ll perform some tests to see if his swallowing &/or speach were affected by the stroke.

Prayers on behalf of Frank are certainly welcome!

Second …

A few weeks ago I found some more lumps on Snow, my senior, female, all white, cat. I took her to the vet last Monday where the Vet confirmed that they were tumors and recommended surgery. She had the surgery on Friday and I got to bring her home Monday evening.

For what it’s worth, she seems to be doing very well. She is active and acting very normal … albeit with an E-Collar on her head (to prevent her from licking out the staples over her new scar). This time the vet cut significantly more and the scar wraps about 60% around her body! I have to keep it clean, apply an antibiotic ointment, and give her two doses of antibiotics, daily. For everything she’s been through, she seems to be doing pretty well.

Here are a few photographs.

Well, my diet is pretty much on a holiday hiatus. I haven’t binged or anything, but I’m not sticking super close either. Part of it is the desire to enjoy shared meals with others, from the office pizza party to the upcoming Christmas dinner with Lisa’s mom. The other part of it, is the odd ‘out of the normal routine’ these two weeks always elicit. In any case, I’ll probably have two or three “Christmas Pounds” to lose before I’m fully back on track.

In other news, I’ve going podcast crazy! I started with one or two RPG related podcasts, but now have been listening to a podcast about ‘real women’ from Leann, and to a couple of music podcasts. The music podcasts, especially “Well Made Music” reminds me of the college / indie music shows that used to be on 89X radio in Detroit - back when alternative music was actually alternative and not just another variation of pop. This music is totally different, but the sense of musical exploration, of being introduced to something that I’ve never heard before and to a whole music scene that is ‘not from here’ is certainly present. And, the host Neil, has a cool Scottish accent.

The only downside to this amazing wealth of resources and communities and podcasts available online is how easy it is to live in a bubble completely unique from anyone else around you. In other words, there are over a thousand people listening to “Fear the Boot” - but I’m the only one living in my area. The same goes for “Well Made Music” and probably some others. Some activities are funner to do in groups, but that’s hard when the ‘group’ you belong to is geographically dispersed around the world.

Interestingly enough, the “House of the Harping Monkey” has a virtual inn in the online world called “Second Life.” They’ve had meetings there and used that shared virtual space to meet listeners and fans whom they’ve never met in RL (real life). Is this the harbinger of things to come? Is this some indicator of trends that will continue or just a momentary fad that will fade when people ‘get serious’ and pull out of their virtual lives? Who knows? It just occurs to me that the pull of human hearts and human minds to form communities of interest and families of intention is stronger then geography.

Well, I did OK this week, but not great. I made it to the gym on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday but not today (Thursday). I can help my record by making it in tomorrow, though!

I’ve already seen a marked increase in performance. I realize that I’m just reactivating dormant muscle fibers - but it’s nice to see the weights and the reps both go up.

The Restaurant Fire

While I was in Michigan, I was able to take some pictures (with my Treo700p) of what was left of Izzy’s Bistro, and the restaurant where my father works now, Jack’s on the Waterfront. I was also able to find a couple of pictures of Izzy’s before the fire, from an old website some previous owner had set-up.

Izzy’s Before the Fire

Izzy’s After the Fire

Jack’s on the Waterfront

I’m just wrapping up a very pleasant weekend spent with Lisa. We went and saw the new James Bond flick, “Casino Royale” - and it was very good! Daniel Craig makes a great James Bond, and this film really seems to be getting back to the roots of action hero instead of gadget-guy. Well, done.

I wasn’t exactly on-diet this weekend, though Saturday was my “day off” and I did pretty good on Sunday (well, there was that piece of pumpkin pie!). Tomorrow morning, I’m back in the gym and back on track. I can say I’ve lost what little weight I gained before my two (2) weeks in vacation in Michigan. Everything from this point on will be new progress.

After speaking with my brother about his business ventures this weekend I learned something new and disheartening. Nothing is ever as easy and straight forward as you hoped. He does research on a business and gets to know the current owner and looks at the books and assembles his co-investors and then … the soap opera begins. These facts were hidden and that person who hadn’t even made an appearance before decides to cause trouble now, etc., etc., etc.

The point? That the hard part of being an entrepreneur is not the financials or the operations or even the risk. The hard part is managing the intangibles and the constant background level of chaos that exists. Do you know why you’ve never read that in a book on business management? Because while high-falutin’ intellectuals are theorizing about how business should be managed with fancy whiteboard diagrams, the reality is stuffed up toilets in the women’s room and a vindictive ex-employee spreading rumors to your regulars.

I am happy to report that I’ve made it to the gym twice! That’s more this week then in the last two (2) years! May not sound like much, and to someone who works out all the time like my brother, it’s pretty amateurish - but it’s not bad for me.

I did legs and abs today, plus twenty minutes on the bike. The only part that was pitiful was the abs. Next time I’m going to use one of those Elasti-Balls and really get the range of motion to flex my abs. Lying crunches just didn’t do much.

Monday, of course, is upper body again.