Runester

This has been a high drama year, to say the least. I know that my last post of last year was quite cheery … but just a few weeks later Lisa’s sister, Doreen died. It was unexpected and very tragic. She had been sick with Hepatitis C for some time, and it was wearing down her body. When she got an infection, her immune system was no longer up to the task … she died in the hospital.

Lisa has now lost her brother and sister within fourteen months of each other, and feels very vulnerable and alone. She has other siblings, on her fathers side, and of course her mother and I … but it’s not the same as the kids that grew up with her suddenly being missing from her life. It also made her aware of the “babies curse” … the youngest child usually has to watch everyone else in the family (parents, older siblings) die.

So, that was a sobering development.

Then, on 4-March-2010, I turned Forty (40) years old! Though some people call forty the new thirty, I’m not sure that means much unless I get to live to be eighty. Hard part about aging, to me anyway, is not the gray in my beard or the change in skin texture around my eyes and in my hands, or the aches in my knees, etc. It’s the constant, ever present knowledge that so very, very little time is left. How many more, healthy, years do I really have left? What do I have left to accomplish, and how long do I have left to accomplish it in?

Honestly, I probably only have another two (2) decades or so left. If I don’t lose weight and correct for my families history of heart disease, I won’t even last that long. To a young man, twenty years seems like forever! But, at my end of the season, it barely seems like enough time to get started, much less complete any great work.

I’ve already had to give up so much – mostly my own expectations of how my life would be. For example, it’s almost certainly impossible for me to produce a child now and even if I could, it would be inadvisable for a couple as old as Lisa and I to do so. If we wanted children, we’d have to adopt. Even if we adopted, we’re so old that the child would become a teenager when we are in our mid to late fifties. Living long enough to see an adopted child get married? Unlikely. So, the odds of ever being a parent are very slim and that’s not how I imagined my life, back when I was in my twenties.

There are other differences, most don’t really matter now. And, I’m not complaining. Every day I’m thankful for what I have and how incredibly fortunate I am to live here, now, and have the health and community I do. So many hundreds of millions of humans live in such absolutely deplorable conditions and suffer so greatly – and due to nothing but the misfortunate of their birth – that I must consider myself one of “life’s lottery winner’s.”

But, being thankful for a good and comfortable life is not the same thing as having accomplished anything of worth and the time draws short. So, if 2010 and 40 will mean anything … it’ll have to mean a redoubling of focus and effort and the hope that, that’s enough.

Here I sit, in my comfy seat, wearing my most comfortable PJ’s and slippers, in my living room on Christmas Eve, 2009. Looking back at the year, a whole lot has happened. Here are a few of the highlights.

• Got laid-off from my employer, but immediately hired back as a part-time contractor
• Got hired as a full time contractor at a new employer
• Incorporated myself (S-Corp)
• Got hired as a full-time employee, where I was contracting
• Married my long time (and long suffering) fiance`
• Sold my condominium
• Had a wedding reception in Michigan with family and friends

Wow! That’s a lot. Further, looking back, my blessings become ever more apparent. For example, when my last employer laid me off and converted my status from full-time salaried employee to 20 hours-a-week contractor, I was a little worried. Was I going to be able to find another job? I was pretty confident that I could, but the issue – as always – is time. When? Well, to my surprise and delight, I followed up on some previous contacts and leads and found a full-time contract position very quickly. I started on 15-January-2009, and hadn’t even spent all of my severance. Ironically, I made more money those months then I had made before! Think of the irony of getting laid-off and having the experience turn into a financial boost? Great!

The next enormous blessing was when, over the span of just two weeks in November, I completed the two (2) year effort to sell my condo, and I got married, and I got hired as a full-time regular employee! In fact, I was hired just in time to take advantage of the employee perk of the Thanksgiving break and now the Christmas/New Years break; time I would not have been paid for as a contractor.

Not all of the blessings this year, were mine. My brother and sister-in-law had their baby and I got to see my little nephew! So many good things have happened to our family, that those few things which challenge us seem like speed bumps on the freeway and not really obstacles at all.

We’re looking forward to 2010. We’ve got big plans, projects, goals, and things are really looking great for us. We’re wrapping up one great year, and preparing ourselves for an even more amazing year to come.

So, the big news today is that Lisa & I got married! We had a small ceremony at Dedham Town Hall, and were married by a local Justice of the Peace. We exchanged vows and rings and had him snap a few photos (forthcoming).

So, eight years after we first met, we married!

Afterwards we went out to breakfast at a little diner, amd then to work. Sounds crazy, I know but Lisa needs to save her vacation days for our Michigan trip, and I wasn’t just going to hang around the house alone! Besides, we’ll have all weekend together and our nice (small) reception, Thanksgiving week, in Michigan.

Oh, I also received my offer letter from BC. So, for those playing at home, that’s “sold the condo” and “got married” and “got a regular job” all within the space of two weeks. I mean, it took years for some of these to come to fruition, but when they did – it was all at once.

Monday itself was a pretty great day. I got into work a little late, but I was able to get a lot done (mostly trouble tickets) and then get home to an excellent meal of smothered beef over noodles.

Lisa couldn’t wait any longer, and finally told me that she had ordered a Keurig Machine, and it had arrived that afternoon. So, after dinner, I set it up and had my first cup of coffee! It’s pretty cool, and will really help on the weekend where I don’t have access to the coffee maker at work. It only came with a small sample of coffee’s and teas. We need to order a lot more, they come in custom “K-Cups” and they cost around 50¢ each.

=-=-=-=-=

On the Kicked in the Dice Bags forum, Chris (one of the two hosts) posted a brief PSA about suicide. One of his associates and past GM committed suicide at the age of 39; the same age as me. After the initial comments, he added more details. It sounds like the man had years of disappointments, a serious weight problem, and had alienated many of the people in his life. The story is sad because of the potential that was lost; the experiences he’s cheated himself out of experiencing.

As someone who is 39 and overweight and who has many disappointments – I can’t say I’ve never thought about throwing in the towel. When I was young and would write what my life would be life at 40 – this is not it. I saw myself as married with children, the owner of a successful technology company, living in a large house with lots of land, etc. etc. etc. And it’s not just the disappointment that I haven’t achieved everything I wanted – or that some things are forever out of my gasp, like having children of my own. It’s also that aging and dying is gradual and unkind. Sometimes it feels like we’re dying in pieces. As much potential for great experiences and future achievement, I’m also fast running out of time. My mortality is forever before me. It’s in the grey in my beard, the wrinkles on the backs of my hands, and the pain in my knees. There can be no doubt, this body is in decline. Even if I were to go on a rigorous regime of diet and exorcise and add a great deal of health back … the timer doesn’t get reset. Another decade or two, tops, and I’m done for.

But, the irony is that as I contemplate my own demise, the time I have becomes even more precious. Each day, a gift. No matter how depressed I get, the idea of squandering what little time I have left is repugnant. I can’t wrap my mind around both positions at once: my days are running out, and each one grows more valuable for being made scarce & life is bitter and pointless and full of decay and disappointment and should be exited on one’s own terms. How strange, to feel yourself slipping into that eternal night, and then to hurry the fall!

But I’m not going to pretend like everything is peaches-and-cream and the other position doesn’t exist … or that it doesn’t have a valid basis in experience. I’ve recently read a good essay from the book The Myth of Sisyphus where the very issue of how does one go on and live, or should one even continue to live, in a universe that does not make sense and will not comply to be folded into an order comprehensible to us. The author refers to this dichotomy as ‘absurd’. The universe that is silent and uncaring and complex and completely alien to the order or morals of the human mind, and the mind that attempts to understand, interpret, and order the universe. Is there justice? Why are we here? Is there a greater purpose? Nearly all of religion is an attempt to answer these questions and the proposed answers are unsatisfying to the extreme. Instead, the author posits, the real courage is to go on living and not understanding. Accept that one is finite, and will not understand, and will not see the ‘plot’ of the story – and that there is no such plot (or that the plot is unknowable, in any case). “Standing on the edge of the abyss, and not to retreat nor to cast oneself in; but to live on the edge.”

All people of deep thought and feeling much struggle with this basic existential dilemma. All people though all of time and history and space. If there is a thread that connects us all, it’s this personal, private struggle. Some of us take comfort in the loved ones around us, in the pleasures of our lives and the potential of a future eternally unfolding.

And some of us take that final leap into the unknowable.

Today, being a Sunday, was a “late to start” day. I think I got up around 12:30 pm. Got moving slowly, left the house late, etc. etc. etc. But, once wound up, I did OK!

Cooked up all my lunches for the next week at work (and used up the steaks we had sitting in the fridge, before they went bad). I did the dishes (and made more dirty ones with my cooking, then I initially cleaned)! But, in general, “got stuff done.” Which is good, because tomorrow is Monday.

Lisa’s back is still out, after almost a week. She’s been to the Chiropractor, she’s used Icy/Hot patches, etc. etc. but nothing is helping that much. Hopefully her spasming back muscles will relax – not sure how to speed that recovery.

It’s late, I’m tired, and I need to get to bed. I’ve been going to bed late this weekend, but I don’t want to start the new week with a sleep deficit. I better at least get off to a good start. But, there is that sink full of newly dirtied dishes. Maybe I’ll get them in the machine before I crash.

It’s rather disconcerting to see that I haven’t updated since Monday! I thought I was maybe two days behind. Did I time-jump or something? It’s almost frightening to see how fast time slips by when I’m narrowly focussed on work and drama.

On the drama front – I finally sold my condo! I attended the closing yesterday, signed the papers, paid what fees I was required to, and was then told by both lawyers that I am done! It’s been nearly two years since I started this. Lisa and I have spent nearly $10,000 on renovations to the condo. I spent countless weekends moving, cleaning, etc. trying to prepare it. My real estate agent did showing after showing after showing. I’m on my second lawyer, and he’s had to make 100+ phone calls to my two lenders to work out the agreement that I signed yesterday. This was an unbelievable level of effort.

On the one hand, it was a short-sale so I understand why the two lenders would want to do their due diligence and get the best deal they could. But, on the other hand, if I had just let them foreclose they would have gotten nothing but the auction price. You’d think that all of the effort I put into selling the house and getting them the maximum amount the current real estate market would bear would be a positive in my corner. But one lender, GMAC, didn’t treat it that way. They blocked us at every turn and mostly through unprofessional foot-dragging and lies.

Did I say lies? Yes I did. One of the ‘tricks’ they’d pull is to ask for a package of documents. My lawyer would relay the request and the forms, I’d fill them out and supply financial documents, pay stubs, tax returns, etc. and then fax it all back to him. Often the same or the next day. He’d then fax the entire bundle off to GMAC. After a week or two of waiting, he’d spend an hour trying to get through their phone tree, only to be told that we’re missing a requested form. Except that he has the fax receipt and what they claim is missing was – in fact – faxed in. So, he’d make the person wait while he faxed the entire bundle again. This time they’d declare that it takes a couple of days for the faxes to be scanned and added to the file, etc. A week or two would go by, he’d call them back (going through their excruciating phone tree and multiple levels of ‘gate keepers’) only to be told that we didn’t include a necessary document. This time, it was a document they hadn’t actually requested. Further, if he hadn’t called to find out what the status was, it’s unclear how we would even have known that this document was required. In fact, each time they’d make a request like this he would specifically ask, “and this is ALL that you need? This is the ENTIRE list of required documents?” At which they’d confirm, “Yes, this list is what we’d need.” So, think of the frustration when, after waiting a month, you’re told that, “There are three more forms you never submitted.” I.e., forms not on the “this is everything” list.

The point, is that this went on and on and on. Week after week after week. My primary lender, IndyMac would crunch the numbers, present an offer letter and then give us 30 days to respond. In that 30 days, GMAC would play games, become unavailable, or – my personal favorite – have a sudden system problem that disconnected anyone calling into their processing center. The agreement with IndyMac would expire, and then we’d have to begin again.

All of this, and I was someone who repaired / renovated instead of destroyed the property (unlike those families that ripped wires out of the walls and pored cement down the drains) and who engaged an agent to find a buyer and who persisted, with the herculean help of my agent and lawyer, to proceed with the sale. A sale, of which I received no money at all. Not one single cent. I was not doing this for the money, not even the $10,000 we had put into the renovation! My only, single, benefit of pursuing this was to try and protect what is left of my credit score.

I’d love to say all mortgage companies are evil buggers, but I don’t think that’s true. IndyMac was slow, due to the overwhelming nature of the current real estate crisis, but they were fair, kept their word, and were available for contact. It was GMAC that violated all of the tenants of customer service or even self interest, and certainly professionalism. Furthermore, my lawyer told a story on another case he worked, in which both the primary and the secondary mortgage were with GMAC. In that case, they acted no better – and fought themselves! Yes, that’s right … the two devisions within the same company fought over whatever funds were available and drug out the process, making it as painful as possible. Imagine that!

In any case, my path to salvation was getting professionals involved. If I had tried to do the negotiating myself, or the endless filing and faxing and calling, or any of the rest of the effort that went into this; I would have floundered and given up. I already have a day job, and couldn’t turn my condo sale into another one. No, getting an excellent and persistent team – my agent and my lawyer – is what allowed me to do my work, while they pursued this to the bitter end.

The next hurtle, is whatever tax liability this entails. But, honestly, the IRS seem like reasonable sweetie’s compared to what we went through with GMAC.

I stayed up way too late last night. I was working on a personal project I’ll be able to unveil soon. But, there was just one more tweak, one more thing to research, and one last application to download. I didn’t get to bed until nearly 1:00 am. But, this being a Monday … it was up and at ‘em and back to work!

I was tired, but the day was moderately productive. We have a scheduled event tonight, so I was able to prep and then leave in time for my Bedford RPG group. We were supposed to be finishing up the GURPS Zombie Survival game, but didn’t get enough accomplished. It looks like we may spend the first half of next session finishing that story line before restarting our GURPS Psionics campaign. [I'm hoping we can spend the last half of the session completing our characters!]

The good news, was that they released Polly from the hospital. Lisa picked her up and drove her home; she’s back where she feels comfortable and the weekend emergency is over.

After getting home from the game I immediately went to bed. I needed to be up before midnight in order to VPN into work and monitor my scheduled process – but I was hoping that I could grab an hour of sleep or so. Not so lucky! Either I’m too wired or something, but I didn’t sleep much.

Anyway, I’m up and ready. I’ll connect in a minute and see how things run. Then, I’ll get back up at 3:00 AM and follow-up with the next portion of the work. It’s going to be a very long, disjointed day!

But, barring some emergency or unforeseen event, I’ll be working from home tomorrow, which is an enormous blessing.

Lisa and Marilyn spent a large portion of today with Polly at Brigham and Women’s Hospital. They’re still concerned about the episode she had yesterday and want to make sure it wasn’t another aneurism or a stroke.

I didn’t want to stay at home; I had a strong wanderlust. So, leaving the dog alone, I drove and drove. Simple things like picking up breakfast and then trying to find this nearby park land. Getting half-way to work and then turning around and coming back. I listened to several of my podcasts and did a lot of thinking – and some thinking can’t be done at home. Travel is good for clearing your head.

First, this was one of the longest Friday’s of my life. Even though this was only a four (4) day work week, this seemed like a long, exhausting week. And, even though this was just a Friday, it seemed like a long, exhausting day that just would not end. We finally got something meaningful completed at work, even though it’s just a drop in the bucket of all the work waiting for me on Monday.

I went out to lunch, and to get my hair cut. I really needed. I’ve been looking like some shaggy hippy for two weeks. But, as I climbed in my car I noticed that there were a bunch of missed messages. Turns out, Lisa had called. I called her back … an the news scared the crap out of me!

Apparently her aunt Polly (who suffered an aneurism some years ago) started rapidly talking gibberish. Almost like she was manic, and muddled at the same time. Lisa’s mother, Marilyn, thought Polly was having another aneurism or maybe a stroke, and called 9-1-1. The ambulance took Polly to the hospital, and Marilyn called Lisa to come from work and drive he to the hospital as well. Lisa had called me on the way down from work.

We feared the worst. The aneurism was devastating and nearly killed her, another one could be the end. Or, a serious stroke could confine her in a nursing home for the rest of her days. Neither prospect seemed good. Fortunately, she recovered! While in the hospital, she regained her speech and was able to set up and answer questions. It turns out the doctors aren’t sure what happened to her. They performed a CT Scan on her head to see if there was another bleed – there was not. They now think it was either a small stroke, or possibly a seizure centered in the part of the brain that had been weakened by the aneurism.

Polly is still in the hospital; they are keeping her there for observation. Hopefully she’ll be able to come home tomorrow, or maybe Monday. The news was scary, but as of this update, her condition does not seem so bad.

All day long I thought this was Wednesday. Don’t know why. I tweeted about “Oden’s Day” and I have computer calendars in front of me all day – so KNEW it was Wednesday. But, despite my head, it felt like a Thursday.

I’m glad it’s not; I need the extra day this week.

I must have taken a dozen phone calls from my real estate agent & my lawyer. All day long it looked like I’d be able to close on the sale of my condo tomorrow. Then, as I was walking out of work, at 6:15 pm, I get one more phone. It’s my lawyer, and another delay came up. Maybe the stars will align; maybe things will get delayed a week; maybe the thing will fall through and my two year debacle will just continue. We’ll see.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Played D&D 3.5 tonight. No combat; the whole session was roleplaying and planning and preparation. But, the next session looks to see us into the thick of things. An exotic island run by some malevolent cult. Four foot tall cannibalistic creatures with giant heads and a proclivity for leaping about. A massive volcano spewing burning lava and poisonous fumes. Magic, wealth, power, and mystery … doesn’t this sound like a lot of fun?

Some of the guys made recommendations for ways to re-write my character. The changes would probably make him more efficient and effective. When I get some time, I’ll need to try that out and then get a copy to the GM for opinion/approval. For the most part, I’m very happy with the way the game is going. Though my little sneaky halfling isn’t very good in combat, he’s very good in all of the non-combat portions of the game and has a pretty good position in the troupe.